Here's What a Night Owl's 'Morning' Routine Looks Like

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No getting up early for me.

A lot of morning routine articles go something like, "I wake at dawn, jog for two hours, make a three-course brunch, read a chapter of the latest David Foster Wallace book, then stroll leisurely to work."

This is not that kind of article. In fact, I suspect the people who write those kinds of articles are just genetic anomolies who think their weird body clocks make them morally superior. Ugh.

I'm a night owl. Not by choice — neurology is strange sometimes — and perfect-sounding morning routines are just not within the realm of possibility for me. Here's how my morning routine goes.

I generally start my day by waking up around noon, looking at the clock and freaking out. Half the day is over already, and I've yet to do any work!

I briefly consider making eggs, but there's no time. So I rummage around in the refrigerator for "breakfast," which usually consists of stuff I have lying around. Sometimes, it's a handful of grapes. Sometimes, a piece of smoked gouda cheese.

I stop to wonder why I'm so rushed. I work remotely, and my coworkers are fine with my weird hours. Sure, I'm not working at 9 a.m., but I am often editing articles at midnight. I chalk up my guilt to decades of social conditioning. Then I realize I could have fried an egg in the time I spent thinking about this and run back upstairs to get dressed.

Once I've thrown on the same general outfit (T-shirt and shorts) I wear all summer, I throw my laptop in a bag and go to a nearby bookstore/coffeeshop that has exactly one kind of coffee: they call it "coffee." No decaf, no lattes, no cappuccinos. I like it there because it's quiet, full of sunlight and feels homey. They play acoustic guitar and NPR podcasts in the background.

It's still my morning, and it's already well into the afternoon. Oh well. After working for a few hours, I take a break to eat lunch around, thus concluding my morning.