Photo: Planet Green
Thanksgiving on The Fabulous Beekman Boys. Oh my. It's either a great joy or a profound nightmare, depending on your familial situation and your propensity to binge. I could see it going either way at Beekman, and given that we know the farm is haunted, there could be some beast/ghost/holiday drama. And I should let you, my reader, know I once spent Thanksgiving at Beekman Farm, so I have some insight to what it's like there on a holiday. As always, I use the goat scale to indicate whether what I see makes it more or less likely that I follow Josh and Brent's lead and move to the country myself.Josh and Brent's parents have never met before. How they have managed to pull that off, after ten years together, is a miracle. I'm incredibly impressed by the feat. Maybe it's because they own a farm. Five goats.
They go to look at the turkey. It looks like a big turkey. Turkeys that look big when they are alive are usually small when they're dead and their feathers have been removed. Turkeys that look grotesquely large when they are alive are usually big when they're dead and their feathers are gone. Josh and Brent choose a large female turkey. When I was there, they chose one almost exactly like it. It wasn't big enough. I could have eaten the entire thing myself. It won't be big enough now. It makes me wonder if all that clean country air makes one not be able to learn from his mistakes. One goat.
Brent and Josh are talking about the menu for dinner. Brent says pecan in a very odd way, and it makes me laugh. Living in the country makes most people talk funny. It makes me laugh. Five goats.
Josh does some work in the garden with his friend from town. It's nice that his friend would come help him. In the city if you ask someone for help, they will usually tell you no, though it's often said in a way that is fairly unpleasant, such as - no fucking way, fuck off. Country people are nice. Five goats.
Josh and Brent are talking more about dinner. They want it to be perfect. Josh brings up Martha. I literally almost vomit. I'll let it slide once, but if it happens again, there will be a serious deduction. And if moving to the country means I have to talk about Martha all the time, I will literally never leave the city again. Ever.
Brent's mom arrives. Man is she cute. And polite. And she has a great accent. She's an older female version of Brent, but she seems nicer!!! Five goats.
Brent and Josh bicker a bit over the menu. I don't really like bickering. I either want peace or the apocalypse. Bickering is just sort of uncomfortable. Two goats.
Brent is worried that he's disappointed his mom. He says he's worried his sexuality has let her down, and his overachievement is a compensation for it. She seems very proud of her son, regardless of who he loves. It's pretty heavy stuff, and everyone involved handles it well. Maybe the country makes people less crazy. Five goats.
They go out to see the chickens. Brent says they have the same chickens as Martha. I press pause and leave the room for a little while. When I come back I fast forward through the sequence. Please, no more Martha. Kill all those chickens. Get the Kenny Rogers chickens. Brag about those. No more Martha. Negative five goats.
The parents all meet. Everyone gets along. Another miracle. Five goats.
They get the turkey drunk before they chop its head off. I've witnessed this event. It's kind of funny, in a serial-killer humor kind of way. As they start pull the feathers, they realize the turkey is too small. Hah!!! I was right. Five goats for me.
Josh and Brent bicker again. Man, I am sick of the bickering. I want some yelling, and some punches, and some exotic karate. Stop bickering and throw down. Break some shit. Go to the hospital. One goat.
Brent takes all of the parents on a tractor ride. It is literally the slowest tractor ride in history of the world. All of the parents start to make fun of him. It's pretty funny. And it doesn't make him go any faster. It might be Christmas by the time it's over. Four goats.
The goats escape. Farmer John is gone. The electric fence isn't working. Josh has to run around and capture all of the goats and herd them back into the barn. It's Thanksgiving day. There are football games on TV. I usually sit on the couch and watch them. I don't like the idea of herding goats when I could be watching football. Two goats.
The alarm goes off while they're cooking dinner. Alarms are a pain in the ass. I have an alarm, and it's always going off when we cook. It drives me fucking crazy. Brent supposedly got the fanciest alarm system. He gets annoyed when Josh brings it up and blames Josh for burning the food. Having experienced this myself, it's the alarm's fault. The fire chief shows up. Everyone is annoyed. Two goats.
Brent shows off his Thanksgiving outfit. I'm not so sure about the top part. It's some kind of tuxedo coat and a bowtie. The bottoms, however, are pajamas. I love pajamas. I spend a good deal of my time in them. If moving to the country means I get to wear them ever more, I'm all for it. Five goats.
They have a lovely dinner. Brent gives a lovely speech. Everyone gets along. Their friends bring an extra turkey to compensate for Josh's small turkey, which I could eat by myself. Wow, a great country Thanksgiving. Five goats.
Total number of categories: 17
Total number of goats: 58
Average number of goats: 3.4
Looks like I'm moving. At least for the holidays.
The docu-drama The Fabulous Beekman Boys, starring Josh and Brent, airs on Wednesdays at 9 p.m. EST on Planet Green. Learn where to tune in your area here, watch the first episode for free on PlanetGreen.com, or download all episodes from itunes. You can read all of James Frey's posts about the Fabulous Beekman Boys, in which he tries to determine if life in the country is actually sweeter, here.
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