"Millions of Barrels of Oil Safely Reach Port in Major Environmental Catastrophe": Onion


Photo: zieak via Flickr/CC BY

Yes, the Onion, America's finest news source, is consistently hilarious. But even it is rarely this biting, this trenchant -- and this right on. Check out its lead story today, about the massive disaster that occurred when a huge oil tanker didn't crash, and instead brought millions of barrels of oil ashore to be refined and to be burned as fuel, causing untold devastation:

PORT FOURCHON, LA--In what may be the greatest environmental disaster in the nation's history, the supertanker TI Oceania docked without incident at the Louisiana Offshore Oil Port Monday and successfully unloaded 3.1 million barrels of dangerous crude oil into the United States.

According to witnesses, the catastrophe began shortly after the tanker, which sailed unimpeded across the Gulf of Mexico, stopped safely at the harbor and made contact with oil company workers on the shore. Soon after, vast amounts of the black, toxic petroleum in the ship's hold were unloaded at an alarming rate into special storage containers on the mainland.

From there, experts confirmed, the oil will likely spread across the entire country's infrastructure and commit unforetold damage to its lakes, streams, and air.

It's funny because it's -- well, you know.
Experts are saying the oil tanker safely reaching port could lead to dire ecological consequences on multiple levels, including rising temperatures, disappearing shorelines, the eradication of countless species, extreme weather events, complete economic collapse, droughts that surpass the Dust Bowl, disease, wildfires, widespread human starvation, and endless, bloody wars fought over increasingly scarce resources.

Meanwhile, government officials, stunned to learn of the massive amounts of carbon dioxide that will be released into the atmosphere as a result of the TI Oceania tanker's successful docking, have called for a full investigation into the disaster's cause.

And of course, everyone's favorite global-warming denying senator has to make an appearance in any story about how America ignores climate change:
"I am shocked and horrified by this development," Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK) said. "Rest assured, we will find the people responsible for allowing this to happen, and they will be held accountable. Every last one of them."

Public opinion across the country has likewise turned from confusion to outrage, with many concerned Americans fearing that the worst may be yet to come. "It's scary stuff," said Logansport, IN native Wayne Cummings, talking to reporters from behind the wheel of an idling Ford F-150 XLT pickup. "I read somewhere that it might take years before we know the full extent of the damage, and by that time it will be impossible to do anything about it. All I know is, we have to think of some way to fix this problem before it's too late," Cummings said before driving off.

Brilliant. America's indifference to the major disaster that we're helping to cause every day, perfectly satirized.

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