Tips from The Onion on blizzard survival

How to survive a blizzard: 8 tips from The Onion
CC BY 2.0 Graham Milldrum/flickr

OK, blizzards are serious business, I know. They can be destructive in many many ways; and property can be destroyed and people die ... but leave it to the extraordinary satirists at The Onion to sprinkle the whole deadly-winter-storm thing with a good dose of dark humor. Bless their wonderfully twisted brains.

If you've already polished up on all of your (real) blizzard tips, and you have a taste for satire, then these indispensable Blizzard Survival Tips are for you. You can never be too prepared!

1. Grocery stores will quickly sell out of food during a blizzard, so be sure to stock up on supplies several days before you came across this article.

2. If any of your pets go outside for any reason, leave them there. They belong to the snows now. [Joking aside, see: How to protect your pets during cold weather.]

3. Purchase a CB radio to maintain lines of communication with the other lunatics in your neighborhood.

4. Steer wildly when you hit that first patch of ice. [TreeHugger disclaimer: Please don't really do that.]

5. Stockpile flint and colored beads. These will be important for bartering in the After Times.

6. Prepare by reading Jack London’s “To Build A Fire,” which will teach you how to keep warm when there is no sun nor hint of sun, though the sky is empty of clouds. And yet there seems an intangible pall over the face of things, a subtle gloom that makes the day dark, and that is due to the absence of sun when day breaks cold and gray, exceedingly cold and gray.

7. Keep frail young Frederick away from the windows, for he is consumptive, and a mere moment too long in the bluster could spell the end of his beautiful life.

8. Be aware that no matter what you do, sometimes you’re just going to be crushed by the sheer weight of the snow.

And since I didn't include the cheekiest ones, click over to The Onion for the rest.

Tips from The Onion on blizzard survival
'Stockpile flint and colored beads. These will be important for bartering in the After Times.'

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