It seems that the upcoming Royal Wedding is being taken more seriously abroad than it is at home in the UK. Ticket sales for flights out of the country during the royal weekend have skyrocketed and spoofs abound.
Here is a choice selection of some of the better class of "gifts" that the newly weds probably won't receive on the big day. Starting with Her Majesty: One waves since one's handbag is solar-powered.
Photo: cockney jewels
This Cockney pearl necklace would be a dream come true for some lucky girl. The pendant is made of a real broad bean (the vegetable) and lacquered so that it won't melt. It's a play on words using Cockney Rhyming Slang. In Cockney, broad bean means the Queen. If you would rather, there is a set of cuff links with the Queen Mother on them or her corgi dog.
Photo: donkey products
Have a nice cuppa with the royal family. Pick your favourite royal and boil them up... Their arms hang over your tea cup.
Photo: royal collection
What is any celebration without a commemorative tea towel? This is the real thing, available courtesy of the royal family, with their approved design. Yawn.
Photo: ulster weavers
Here's a wild and crazy one, totally unapproved, unofficial and a limited edition. Take your pick.
Photo: Knit Your Own Royal Wedding Published by Ivy Press
Don't forget the DIY Knit Your Own Royal Wedding book by Fiona Goble. Her 64-page manual has patterns for knitting your own Royal family, complete with the Queen's corgi dog, the Queen herself, Prince Philip and several different figures of the royal couple.
If this is all too much to bear, then how about an official (sic) Royal Sick bag. Handy bags are available in Royal Blue and Regal Red, if you expect to be nauseated on the big day, or just want a tasteful souvenir. Each one is signed by the artist.