On the internet, every day is April Fools day. I have been meaning to rant about each of these stories, but each on their own do not make an entire post. So I have saved them up for one giant rant-o-rama.
Millennials are just responsible for everything really.
Got $850 to spare? Then you can buy a study from Standard & Poors called Economic Research: Millennials Are Creating Unsafe Conditions On U.S. Roads--But Not In The Way You Might Think. It blames young people for the upcoming collapse of American infrastructure. As Richard Masoner of Cyclicious aptly puts it, "roads are becoming more dangerous because you crazy Millennials don’t drive as much." And apparently when you do drive, you buy smaller cars that use less gas. According to S&P, "This, in turn, has curbed revenues from the federal gasoline tax, the primary source of funding for the Federal Highway Trust Fund, which is the backbone of the country's surface transportation infrastructure." It gets worse; those millennials just might crash the entire economy! The Chief Economist of S&P is quoted in Denver Business Journal:
This drop in funds available to construct and repair the country’s infrastructure could, in our view, weigh on growth prospects for U.S. GDP, as well as states’ economies, and, in some cases, where states and municipalities choose to replace the lost federal funds with locally derived revenues, could hurt credit quality.
So kids, to save America as we know it, get rid of your bikes and your apartments, get out there and buy big heavy gas guzzlers! Move to the 'burbs! Drive 'til you qualify! That'll do it.
The self-driving car is part of the war on freedom
You probably think this is just an autonomous Google Car. In fact, according to Jason Walsh, Irish correspondent for the Christian Science Monitor, it is a threat to your freedom. Writing in CITY AM, an Irish business mag with the tagline "Business with Responsibility", he claims that they are part of the War on the Car™. He doesn't like Tesla's either; he prefers Ladas. Because they are not for effete rich elitists, and "even the worst car has its virtues – and that’s what makes the war on the motorist so depressing for those who love the freedom the car represents and facilitates." He doesn't care how awful and polluting it is, as long as he gets to drive it where he wants when he wants. And seriously, to you millennials who don't bother getting drivers licenses and are destroying the economy, look what you are missing:
Ask anyone: the first day you legally drive a car your world shatters, geography shifts around you and things will never be quite the same again.
If Musk, the artless Google, tech trinket designer Apple, or anyone else ever get the autonomous car right, insurance companies will surely price the majority of us off the roads. It’s not just aesthetes or petrolheads who will lose out if we fall for the rise of the robots, it’s all of us. You want a driverless car? Get a taxi. Put simply, the car is freedom. With it comes responsibility – paperwork, hassle and cost – but such is the nature of becoming an adult. Neither the car, nor what it represents, is worth sacrificing.
First they take your steering wheel; then they take your freedom.
Bike lanes are an assault on religious freedom
In America, it often seems that the eleventh commandment is "Thou shall always have free parking." So when the cyclists coveted their neighbor's on street parking spaces, the church objected for all kinds of reasons, including the constitutional, noting in their lawyers' letter:
Evidently bike lanes are a substantial burden on the members ability to attend worship services and there is no compelling government interest. Oh, and because the United House of Prayer attracts primarily an African-American audience, they are also racist and discriminatory.
Parking expert Richard Willson points at the Island Press that parking is nice and convenient but this is hardly a right, and that there are alternatives.
No one likes change, and I understand why the United House of Prayer is concerned. But opposing a bicycle lane would hold back progress in developing a multimodal transportation system. There are a host of way to get parishioners to church, including shared parking with nearby institutional or commercial uses, remote parking with shuttle busses, church busses, valet parking, time-specific conversion of travel lanes to parking, carpooling programs, taxi programs, and so on. It takes some effort but shared parking is a better approach than blocking the bicycle lane.