Environmental Collective Declares War on Trees
It's an issue we have covered for years: the question of whether trees should be cut down to keep solar panels in sunlight. Now we learn from a submission received over the transom that there is a new environmental movement to stop shade, and ensure that every photon of precious sunlight reaches those solar panels on the roof.
The artists of this little bit of agitprop remix are "a bit tired of all the earnest Earth Day news out there" and wanted to have a little fun. After all, lots of people speak for the trees, but nobody speaks for the poor and suffering photovoltaic industry these days.
An anonymous collective of solar organizations today declared a nationwide war on trees.
In a faxed manifesto, the collective pointed to the shade-inducing qualities of trees, making such incendiary statements as, “trees: not nearly as majestic as they seem” and “a dead tree is a good tree.”
“It’s a known fact: trees cause shade,” the manifesto reads. “This shade prevents 25 percent of would-be solar homeowners from putting panels on the roof and/or generating free, clean energy from the sun.”
“Trees have had it too good for too long,” it stated.
Specific strategies weren’t revealed in the manifesto, but there are rumors of biological warfare.
“This recent bout of huanglongbing (HLB) disease found in California citrus trees was just the beginning,” said known tree sympathizer Douglas Furr. “This aggression will not stand, man,” he added.
The collective also highlighted trees’ tendency to waste precious environmental resources.
“The average redwood tree soaks up thirteen hot tubs’ worth of water every single day,” it stated. “Those are hot tubs we could be soaking in right now.”
“We aren’t against orchards,” the document clarified. “As long as trees don’t congregate around houses or try to marry one another, we’re fine with them.”
The U.S. tree ambassador couldn’t be reached for comment, but in a written statement said, “There is no curse in Elvish, Entish, or the tongues of men for this treachery.”
The collective, currently known only by the moniker “Shanonymous,” concluded its written statement by mentioning it bears no ill will toward one-time tree advocate, The Lorax.
“Initially he was named in our fatwa, but then we heard he sold out.”