Thoughts on Cheese, Chores, and Harvesting Pigs At The Fabulous Beekman Boys Farm

Episode five in week four of The Fabulous Beekman Boys. As far as I know, neither the number four nor five are considered lucky or holy or particularly special. But this episode, I'm betting this episode is something special. Real special, real real, superduper special. As always, I'll be working with the goat scale. Brent gets a driving lesson. It is a driving lesson with a tractor. I have stated previously that I think tractors are cool. If I could ride one in NYC, and find somewhere to park, I would. There's a not a taxi in the city that would fuck with me if I had a tractor. Five goats.

We learn that Brent is a bad driver. Bad drivers are a menace. We learn about Josh and Brent's childhoods, and see cute pictures of them as kids. Brent likes winning awards. He is a perfectionist. Josh shoots guns and grew up in the country. I knew all of this already, because I have known them for many years, but it's cute and well done. Brent's bad driving: one goat. Cute childhood info: three goats.

We see Porky and Bess, the Beekman Pigs. We learn they will be slaughtered soon. Fuck, I like the pigs. They're fat, and I'm also a little fat, and they like to sleep, as do I, and they're dirty, as I am sometimes. I don't want the pigs to go. One goat.

Josh and Brent make a salad for dinner. A spinach salad. As Josh starts to make it, he realizes Brent has included both weeds and grass in the salad. Josh does not dig having weeds and grass in his salad. Neither do I. One goat.

They discuss Martha during dinner. Brent got invited to an event she is having promoting cheese. It's a perfect place for more people to learn about the Beekman cheese. I'm happy for them, and Brent seems very very very happy, but I'm also really sick of hearing about Martha Stewart. If I want to hear about her, I'll watch her show, not this show. I say no more Martha. One goat.

The pigs are hanging out in the mud. They're cool. They eat dirt and snort, which is what my two bulldogs, Boris and Priscilla, also do. I could never eat Boris and Priscilla. The two dudes who are going to "harvest" Porky and Bess show up at the house. Their jobs are to harvest pigs. The plan is to stun the pigs with shots to the head from .22 caliber gun. Once they're stunned, their throats will be cut. I know that's how we get bacon and pork chops and pork rinds, but I don't really want to know. We see a pig montage, which ends with Josh and Brent walking away from the barn, where we know the pigs are about to get shot, and have their throats cut. One goat.

Brent gets ready for the city. He only has gray suits. I only have black suits. If moving to the country means gray only, I'm against it. One goat.

Brent leaves and Josh gets a long list of chores to do while he is gone. When my wife goes away, I spend all day in my boxers watching TV and eating cheetos. Fuck chores. One goat.

First chore is a showdown with the llama, who is narcissistic and dramatic and difficult. I immediately think they should have kept the pigs and shot the llama. One goat.

After the llama Josh fixes a fence. I have a bad back. Do not like the idea of fixing a fence. One goat.

Josh has to get to the post office. Cows block the way. He's in a hurry. And while cows are not, I'm willing to bet they're faster than all of the horrible New Jersey drivers who are always fucking up the streets of New York. I'm pro cow. Four goats.

Brent is at Martha's cheese event. I am really really really over Martha. She does, however, know her shit when it comes to cheese. We'll give one goat for that. Two goats.

Brent comes back. Martha loves the cheese. Now I never want to hear the word Martha ever again. Unless she's going to buy a million dollars worth, who cares if she likes it. Oprah liked my book. We all know how that worked out. One goat.

Josh and Brent cook up some bacon, that at the beginning of the episode, was alive and in their pig pen. It looks like pretty damn good bacon. And really, any bacon is a good bacon, so this is exceptional bacon. Five goats.

Number of categories: 14
Number of goats: 28
Average: 2

Looks like I'm staying in New York. If however, Martha is taken out of the equation, looks like I'll be leaving the city.

The docu-drama The Fabulous Beekman Boys, starring Josh and Brent, airs on Wednesdays at 9 p.m. EST on Planet Green. Learn where to tune in your area here, watch the first episode for free on PlanetGreen.com, or download all episodes from itunes. You can read all of James Frey's posts about the Fabulous Beekman Boys, in which he tries to determine if life in the country is actually sweeter, here.
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