The Laziest Man on Earth's Guide to Green Living
Photo via Coolest Gadgets
Anyone who thinks it's tough to be an environmentalist has got it all wrong. That's why I've gone to the considerable trouble of assembling a guide that even the laziest man on earth, who may or may not be yours truly, can follow to live according to ecologically friendly principles. Since I'm already exhausted from writing this, there will be no further intro. See? By stopping typing now, instead of fashioning a lengthier introduction, I will have saved energy that otherwise would've been wasted on further powering my laptop. The Lazy, Lazy Man's Guide to Green Living1. Borrow Stuff – Buying new stuff is a pain. It means you have to go to stores and wait in lines and carry your new stuff around. Screw that. Instead, ask your neighbor for a plunger or cat food or whatever it is you might happen to need. Just explain to he/she that you are implementing an environmentally friendly plan to prevent excess materials from entering the landfill. Or, move every three months.
2. Invite Yourself Over For Dinners – But only do it after your friends have already planned and/or started making a meal. Here's how it works. Think of that friend of yours who always makes too much food when you have dinner over at his/her place. You'll be able to determine who this friend is because he/she is always saying things like "I made too much food" when he/she has you over for dinner. Once the friend has been identified, just call them up, around 6:30 or 7 pm is suggested, and inquire whether they are about to dine—if so, use your most charming tone to inform them that you'll be dropping by precisely at that time. Then, exercise your environmentalist instincts by ensuring that no food goes to waste during or after the meal. Repeat. Once you have established the time that dinner is eaten, a call is unnecessary. Inexplicably, some "friends" will grow tired of your company, so it's always a good idea to meet as many new people who cook as possible.
3. Zone Out on Public Transit – Driving is hard. You've got to sit up straight and keep your eyes focused for extended periods of time. And then you have to engage in unpleasant activities like parallel parking and checking the oil. Why bother when you can simply slump over against a bus window and doze off while you get where you need to go? Plus, you'll likely have other good folks and a faint smell of urine to keep you company. Which brings us to #4:
4. Don't Flush – Some people make such a big fuss over things like odor. Big deal, I say. So what if I only flush the toilet in my apartment once at the end of every day. Saving the environment here, so-rry—if you want to needlessly waste half a gallon of water every go round, you can do that in your own home. Also, never bother to flush in public restrooms, ever: as far as the smell is concerned, a single flush is the equivalent to stamping out a flaming twig at the mouth of an erupting volcano.
5. Never Throw Anything Away – It's called zero waste, my friends. And it means never tossing out that holey old pair of jeans that your girlfriend hates. It means shoving a phonebook under the broken table leg instead of buying a less wobbly table. If you subscribe to magazines, it means making a crapload of collages.
6. Don't Wash Your Hair – Self-explanatory—saves shampoo. Because there is probably a society you must remain a member of, this principle does not extend to soap.
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